Brand New World

…this would be it.

     I am trying to convince myself to REFUSE to be sad this week, but for whatever reason, all of my most recent sadness is smashed into September.  It was on the 12th of 2016 that Gerry was diagnosed, and then on 19th of 2017 that he flew away from me.  I SHOULD focus on the fact that on the 23rd is my dad’s birthday, and that it was on the 11th in 2009 I was able to buy my home and “dream dog” backyard.

The school year just began and I am trying all to infuse my students with a growth mindset, and being mindful.  I’m trying myself, at home and life in general.  I Don’t want this class to really know about Gerry.  Getting weepy in front of eight year olds isn’t the most “stable” foundation I can build at the beginning of the year, and the last two “season openers” have been nearly impossible, resulting in very stressful and depressing times.  I’m hoping for “normalcy” this year.

We’ll see.

…that I felt as peaceful as this.  I’m just saying.  Keep loving your babies!  When they leave you, it’s forever.

I’m sort’ve certain that I told you this one on of my very first posts two years ago, that whn I first met Gerry, it was at a “meet an greet” at a feed store in CT.

I spied on him, at first, and watched how he interacted with the other dogs, and then someone talked to me and called his name, which he responded to immediately.  It wasn’t his original name, but that of the veterinarian that saved his life over 4 months.

Once they brought him to me, they put him in a holster that I was used to, and he walked with me, listened to me talk, but he wouldn’t sit down.  After awhile, I noticed that he was “at stance” the entire time, and I was concerned about his ability to relax when kindness was offered to him.

After 45 minutes or so, I was tired and sat down. Gerry stood.  I began to sing, “Blackbird” by The Beatles out of habit, out of concern, and my never ending love of this tune since I heard it when I was in my early teens.

After a bit, I kid you not, my boy sat down.  I was singing softly right into his left ear, and he seemed to relax.  I was overwhelmed with hope.  I wanted him to “like” me in a few short hours; a difficult demand of any living creature.

He did though.  He sat while I sang what lyrics I could remember and softly sang them into his ears.  I have never loved a Beatle’s song as much,  and I knew, that I could take him home, because he relaxed and sat with me, and let me pet him.  He didn’t make a sound inthe six hours I spent with him that afternoon, and never really did hear much from him unless he saw deer in HIS yard.  Gah, I miss him so much.

…to get this house cleaned and organized before school starts again.  There might still be a small Christmas tree in my family room, (that is still the best night light ever), but I’ll never tell.  Part of this problem is systemic.  I have very often been accused (by my mother!) of being a procrastinator.  I tell her that you can’t expect me to have a full time job, be creative, AND keep the house organized!  Once Gerry had to leave me though, everything just fell apart in so many ways.

The hardest part of all of this, is that I continue to come across his things, and I don’t want to hide them or throw them away, and I haven’t.  I just need to take down some of his pictures, because even though they make me smile, they also make me miss his company, or that moment captured.  I’ve placed other items discretely behind other items, but I at least know he’s still there.

I know why I enjoyed being away for the two weeks; there weren’t any “signs” of Gerry.  This is not to say I didn’t have dog lover conversations, and tell my tale to other dog owners I met, but it felt really distant.

Now that I’m home for a week,it feels like BLAM all over again.  I just miss his gentle ways, and how he always made me slow down, look at life, and love it.  It’s so mych harder to do without him.

Thanks for listening me feel sorry for myself.